Premature Ejaculation In men; Premature Orgasm In Women

Psychology Of Premature Ejaculation In Men and Premature Orgasm In Women

Men with a low intra-vaginal ejaculation latency time (IELT) may have problems with either their psychological framework or their neurobiological functions.

They are usually emotionally healthy but have this particular problem of being unable to control their ejaculation for only a short time. But there are many men who complain of premature ejaculation but have a regular or even a long time span and can usually delay ejaculation to some degree.

It would seem that this group may have psychological issues which cloud their judgement of what is an adequate sexual performance, or it may be that they have relationship problems concerning sexual intercourse, perhaps depending on their partner’s sexual expectations.

It is this latter group for whom the term ‘premature-like ejaculatory dysfunction’ has been coined. The condition is characterized by misperceptions about the subject’s personal tenacity, and is often based on the conviction that what is in fact a normal or even a long duration of sex is insufficient.

Evidently this involves a subjective judgment of the man’s personal performance compared with a standard of what he perceives as normal ejaculatory performance.

It is probable that this condition is brought about by psychological, cultural or other problems of the relationship. These are the societal values which impact the cultural conditioning of the lover archetype. It would seem therefore that this group should receive some form of counselling, or be educated in sexual psychological issues or perhaps be guided by some kind of psychotherapy.

These are the symptoms of premature-like ejaculatory dysfunction:

1 A perception of over-rapid ejaculation during all or nearly all occurrences of sexual intercourse.

2 An anxiety over the consequences of poor control and early ejaculation.

3 The misperception that the subject has a low IELT even though he has a normal or above average rating.

4 There is no other psychological dysfunction which accounts for the problem.

Waldinger asserts that there is ever growing evidence to suggest that lifelong PE, where the timing is less than 1 to 1.5 minutes, is a neurobiological dysfunction from which stem further psychological and relationship issues. He notes that drug treatment using SSRIs and clomipramine are now standard procedures for the condition. But it is not yet clear how men with lifelong PE and men with premature-like ejaculatory dysfunction differ in their emotional or physiological behavior. 

Waldinger goes on to say that there are many men who suffer from lifelong PE who have adopted coping strategies that help them through, although there are many more who have serious emotional or interpersonal problems. Men with long and short IELT duration may have differences in either their psychological or their neurobiological characteristics. The average lifetime PE man is usually emotionally stable but suffers only from this particular problem.

Premature Orgasm In Women?

It seems that men are not the only ones who can find themselves climaxing too soon. A new study shows that many women also experience premature orgasm. Perhaps this is accounted for by a deficiency of sovereign energy and a excess of lover archetype energy in the woman concerned.

This study, a survey of Portuguese women, found that about 40 percent sometimes reached orgasm faster than they intended and for about 3 percent, the problem was chronic. Study researcher, Serafim Carvalho, of the Hospital Magalhães Lemos in Porto, says that for these women, premature orgasm is more than an inconvenience. It is as serious a problem as the man’s equivalent and, in some cases, causes serious distress.

Female sexual dysfunction has never received the same amount of attention as the male problem, and early orgasm has hardly ever been studied. Carvalho and his group have found little more than a few ambiguous references in clinical manuals and the occasional anecdotal report. But while premature ejaculation in men is a recognized sexual dysfunction documented in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health (DSM), there is no similar category for an uncontrolled untimely orgasm in women.

The first stage of Carvalho’s study was to find out if this problem really troubled women. His office sent out a questionnaire to a sample of Portuguese women of ages between 18 and 45. The questions were about the frequency of premature orgasm, if the women ever felt a loss of control over timing, and whether they were anxious about the issue. One final question concerned their relationship satisfaction.

Over 60 percent, 510 women, responded to the mail survey. Out of those, 40 percent had experienced early orgasm at some point in their lives and 14 percent reported frequent premature orgasms. This 14 percent, says Carvalho, have cases that could require clinical attention. Strangely, there was no link discovered between premature orgasm and relationship satisfaction.

Carvalho reported his findings in the journal Sexologies. He writes that at one extreme are women who have complete control over orgasm, and at the end is a group who find themselves with a lack of control over the timing of orgasm, which can lead to possible personal or relationship problems.

One subject described her discomfort to the researchers in similar terms to that which a man would feel in the case of premature ejaculation. She reported that she finished very quickly, before her boyfriend got a chance to orgasm, and she finds the situation vexing.

She stated “Once I orgasm, I find it impossible to continue. The vibes are not the same and he misses out, which gives me a bad feeling.”

Of course premature ejaculation is a problem, but a total inability to achieve orgasm is less common. In men the condition is known as delayed ejaculation. About 12% of men apepar to have this problem. And in 2010, a study of American women found that problems reaching orgasm is the most widespread sexual complaint, with 54 percent of 18- to 30-year-olds reporting this difficulty.

Carvalho sums up by saying that although the study is preliminary and more research in a wider field is needed to discover the extent of female premature orgasm, it reveals a serious problem. He advises women not to be bashful about talking to a doctor and says that in most cases, this is a problem which can be solved.

Making Sexual Intercourse Better

Making Sex Better

When you are able to achieve reliable erection during Sensory Focus you and your partner have a choice. You may proceed to intercourse at the end of this period of manual stimulation by your partner, or you may go on with extended sexual orgasm training.

Erection problems often occur because a man believes he should automatically experience an erection whenever he’s in a sexual situation. Women often believe that too.

It’s a myth. Most men need their penises directly stimulated for erection. The need increases with age. A partner is the best source of that stimulation, so you should continue self-stimulation training through the stages when your partner watches you to learn how and then takes over the process.

You are responsible for arranging enough stimulation. You have to make sure you give yourself enough or your partner gives you enough. Then, even if you don’t begin a sexual encounter with an erection, you can produce an erection with self-stimulation. If you’ve done that in front of your partner in training, then you won’t be embarrassed to do it again when it’s needed.

Extended sexual orgasm

And yes, it’s okay, many men stimulate themselves in order to achieve a working level of arousal. It’s more fun if your partner does it for you, but not all women are willing to agree. It’s your penis, your pleasure, and ultimately your responsibility. This is all about connection with yourself and your lover, extremely important properties of the lover archetype.

Soft-Penis Intercourse

This can be a useful exercise for erection problems. Both partners experience pleasure from penile stimulation that isn’t dependent on erection. It’s also a pleasurable variation for any couple to use near the beginning of a sexual encounter, because it establishes sexual intimacy without rushing sexual performance.

The woman lies on her back with her right leg tented over the man’s hips. The man lies at a forty-five-degree angle to her body on his left side, facing her. lie holds his penis in his right hand and rubs the glans up, down, and around the woman’s clitoris. Both areas, penis and vulva, should be well lubricated.

The man should concentrate on stimulating his glans, focusing his attention on the pleasurable sensations he receives from rubbing it against his partner’s genitals. The woman should allow herself to enjoy the clitoral stimulation she’s receiving without thinking ahead to what she hopes or anticipates should happen—to her arousal or to his.

If you, the man, happen to develop an erection during this exercise, don’t be concerned. Continue the stimulation. If you sustain an erection for five minutes or more, you may partly insert yourself—no more than one inch—into your partner’s vagina. If you do partly insert yourself, continue to use your right hand to move your penis from inside the vagina to outside, up, and around the clitoris—in, out, around and around.


Training and foreplay exercise. Man rhythmically rubs soft penis against woman’s vaginal opening and clitoris. Penis lengthens, man rhythmically inserts up to one inch and withdraws.

After five minutes or more of partial insertion and clitoral teasing, if you are still sustaining an erection, you may gradually increase penetration while decreasing clitoral stimulation.

Do this exercise at least three times a week for at least fifteen minutes each session, even if you or your partner resists doing it, even if it bores you. Don’t expect an erection. Soft-penis intercourse is a training exercise. Boxers jump rope for training to develop their reflexes and stamina, not because they expect to jump rope in the ring.

Men with erection problems should make a list of the times when their penises rise to the occasion and the times when they don’t. You may identify a pattern.

Alcohol is a very common cause of erection problems. The classic alcohol-related disability is failing to achieve erection because you’re anesthetized with alcohol and then panicking and assuming your penis is permanently disabled. Performance anxiety after that sustains a self-fulfilling prophecy. Up to two drinks in any three-hour period can help rather than hinder sexual experience, but more than that may interfere. Use of the energy of your warrior archetype to set a boundary around how much you drink may be very helpful here.

There are other difficulties you might discover by listing occasions. Some men find they have no difficulty with a familiar partner but difficulty with a new partner. For other men it’s the other way around.

Especially with a familiar partner, you can solve your problem by finding ways to make sex feel new, different, and more exciting. Change the time, change the setting, change the position. One certain new adventure that you and your partner might arrange for yourselves is agreement to train for extended sexual orgasm.

Sex Positions For Fantastic Sex

The images in popular culture can make us all feel inadequate when it comes to sex. Men who watch porn may think they should be able to pound away in their hapless girl’s vagina until she comes in a powerful orgasm.

Women may think they should be able to have five orgasms in a row as soon as a penis appears anywhere near their vagina! The truth, of course, is very different – most men experience premature ejaculation, at least some of the time, when they have sex, especially in certain positions like rear entry, while most women never come during vaginal intercourse.

(Watching porn can give us all a very distorted view of what sex is really like. For example, it’s not normal to finish a bout of sex by withdrawing from your girl’s vagina and ejaculating over her face. Yet this is what many teenage boys are learning about sex as they watch internet porn.)

Just in case you don’t believe me when I say that most men come quickly and most women never come at all during intercourse (and this can be hard to believe; you may even think you’re just a poor lover because these things happen to you), a recent survey proved that only about one woman in five will come during intercourse without any clitoral stimulation.

I suspect even the one in five who does come is actually having an orgasm because her clitoris is being rubbed or stimulated in some way during intercourse without her really appreciating that fact. It’s a bit like the Coital Alignment Technique, which stimulates the clitoris during intercourse and can bring women to orgasm during sex.

Similarly, most men ejaculate within three minutes of penetrating their partner. This was first demonstrated by Alfred Kinsey in 1958, but nothing has change since, as a survey by the German University at Kohn recently proved.

The really important question, of course, is: “Does this matter?” Well…it depends. If you or your partner wants to have vaginal orgasms while you make love then, yes, it matters a lot.

Though many authorities say that this is not necessary for good sex, the simple fact is that having the female partner reach orgasm while a couple make love is a very profound experience for both the man and the woman, and it can add greatly to both partners’ enjoyment of sex. Most men will come immediately their partner begins to have her orgasm, and the sensation of her vagina gripping his penis as she climaxes will give him great pleasure and most likely cause him to ejaculate as well. Yes: that’s what’s called a simultaneous orgasm. Now, how are you going to achieve that?

Well, first of all, accept that she’s going to need a helping hand or finger on her clitoris. That’s how most women who come during sex get to orgasm. (We’ll come back to the idea of the vaginal orgasm, reached purely stimulating the G spot during sex, later.) For the moment, I’m going to offer you some ideas for sex positions that can help a couple bring the woman to orgasm. first off, the man may have a slow ejaculation, or even one that is seriously delayed.

The best position for sex is man on top. It’s a good position for many reasons: ease, comfort, more sensation for the man, easy on the woman who can lie back and enjoy it – we all know why we like it. Men can thrust deeply, but of course while this gives him great pleasure, his penis probably doesn’t go anywhere near her clitoris.

The thing to do is to modify the man on top position so that her clitoris gets some much-needed stimulation. This is the Coital Alignment Technique, about which you can discover more here

After her enters her, the man shifts his body up so that his penis enters her vagina from a more acute angle. The bottom of the shaft of his penis, where it enters his body, will then be pressed against the general area of her clitoris. He doesn’t then thrust; it’s more like he’s lying on her as the couple rock their bodies against each other.

With a gentle motion that massages his penis in her vagina and stimulates her clitoris, it’s not hard to time the movements so that the couple reach orgasm together.

The best position for a woman to reach orgasm during sex is with her on top, sitting on the man with his penis inside her, facing him.

The reason woman on top works so well is that she can control the depth and angle of penetration, and the speed of thrusting, and the angle at which she lies on her partner, thereby allowing her clitoris to get the stimulation it needs to bring her to orgasm.

Essentially she is in charge during sex in this position, and she can modify it as sex proceeds so that her clitoris is stimulated until she comes – and she can control the speed with which this happens.

Another great position for orgasm during sex is rear entry. In this position, there is plenty of opportunity for either the man or the woman to play with her clitoris until she comes. The only problem here might be that men find this position so stimulating, they tend to come very quickly. Mind you, he can always stop moving while she catches up with him, so simultaneous orgasm should still be possible.

Perhaps the best of all positions for female orgasm is side by side sex. This is a romantic position, one which provides the man with much less stimulation, so he can last longer, and which at the same time allows either him or her to play with her clitoris so that she can get to orgasm.

Because it’s relaxed and romantic, sex in this position can feel much more loving and tender than, say, rear entry. All in all, it’s a sex position which will provide all the romantics out there with a superb experience of feeling your lover and then enjoying a shared orgasm!

Disconnection from sexual desire

Ejaculation And Your Mental / Emotional Thoughts and Feelings

Often, a man who is experiencing difficulty reaching the “point of no return”, a.k.a. the point of ejaculatory inevitability, seems to be a bit detached from sexual connection with his partner.

This may reflect his inability to connect with his inner world of thoughts, feelings and emotions.

Yet, as therapists dealing with ejaculation problems quickly find out, men who can’t ejaculate during sex often want some kind of physical explanation for this dysfunction and some sort of drug to treat it.

couple making love
Delayed ejaculation disrupts sexual pleasure for men and women alike.

And you can see why! Those options may look more attractive than the idea of a psychological consultation and treatment with a real live therapist! I mean, that requires a man to reveal something about himself….

However, drugs don’t exist, and physical explanations are hard to find. (Update – maybe drugs will be available soon…)

Add that to the fact that many men with delayed ejaculation have experienced a lot of emotional stress and dramatic life events.

Suddenly it becomes hard to avoid thinking that emotional stress and psychological trauma at some point in life must have a lot to do with causing delayed ejaculation! 

Life History and Delays In Reaching Climax

It’s also not surprising to find that many men initially refuse to accept there’s any connection between traumatic life events (such as sexual abuse, a negative family background, trauma of some kind, and so on) and their sexual dysfunction.

They prefer to believe that some unknown physical factors must cause delayed ejaculation.

This is partly because there’s a very common belief that the male sexual response is almost automatic.

We all tend to think it goes like this: naked partner, sexual opportunity, arousal, erection, intercourse, ejaculation. That kind of thing, anyway!

So when a man says he cannot ejaculate but he believes he “should be able to” because “that’s what men do”, he may well be defending against feeling his own emotional vulnerability and his emotional needs.

Men in this situation may not know what would satisfy them sexually, and they may not be in touch with the nature of their own sexuality, nor what makes for good sex.

And it’s quite common for men in this situation to give the impression of lacking adequate sexual knowledge.

I also believe that an upbringing which emphasizes the need for a boy to “toughen up” in any way that separates him from his emotional experience is likely to complicate the development of his erotic world as an adult. After all, we all shut down and disconnect from others when we’re hurt emotionally, children and adults alike.

And there are all kinds of sexual trauma which may happen during childhood and adolescence which can affect a boy’s developing sexuality.

One outcome may be the loss of an internal erotic world which would allow a man to function “normally” in bed with a partner later in life…. and that includes reaching climax in a normal time frame.

The Inner Erotic World

So what does it really mean when we talk about the “loss” of a man’s erotic world? How could this actually cause anejaculation (lack of ejaculation), or the complete loss of ability to climax during sex?

To start with, it’s about a man’s ability to separate the everyday world in which he lives and functions from his inner world of sexuality. That’s the one from which he engages in sexual activity and fantasy thinking.

Most of us can easily transition between an erotic fantasy world, where we are absorbed in some kind of sexual activity, and the everyday world where we live from moment to moment (and into which, of course, sexual thoughts may intrude).

But some people find stepping into their world of sexuality dangerous or risky, and therefore cannot do it easily. Others love to engage in fantasy and erotic thinking.

And men with delayed ejaculation can be seen as men who seem to prefer to avoid their own internal erotic world. This applies particularly to those in longterm relationships.

For men in this position, creating an erotic atmosphere or moving into an internal erotic fantasy world is seen as somehow dangerous, risky, exhausting, or undesirable. The move tends to take slowly, if at all, during sexual arousal.

Video – Arousal In Relationship

In some cases the man’s internal psychological world of eroticism and sexuality is so lacking that it can no longer be used to create the kind of sexual arousal or desire that’s needed for successful sex.

For example, when a man discovers sexual experience late in life, he may lack knowledge about basic sexual techniques. And he may lack a fantasy life.

In that case, everything that provides sexual stimulation has to be applied externally. And if it isn’t there – he may not be aroused. Even when he has an erection.

Video about sexual techniques

Some therapists believe that delayed ejaculation and other sexual dysfunctions occur when the mental / emotional connection between stimulus and output is somehow malfunctioning.

Certainly, when sex ceases to be something pleasurable, exciting or exceptional, its power to excite and arouse may well be weakened.

In this situation men and women may become dependent on their own physical desire as the key agent of sexual activity, and although that’s strong in some individuals, it’s not in all of us. Perhaps not even in the majority.

The Cultural Impact

We are all influenced by the culture in which we live. Even our sexual expectations of ourselves are influenced in this way.

And so perhaps media stories of sexual offences, sexual abuse, or the identification of male or female sexuality as problematic can cause sexual dysfunctions.

Because, when these stories are reported and broadcast, this negative publicity may somehow diminish the power and vitality of a person’s sexual life. This may cause problems of low desire, which may manifest as delayed ejaculation in men.

Of course, sexuality and aggression are clearly linked. And we still live in a society that is deeply sexually repressed in many ways.

Maybe some of the sexual problems we see in men, and especially delayed ejaculation, result from the repression of sexual desire or an inadequate level of erotic stimulation because of sexual repression.

But What Does This All Mean In Reality? 

So, for example, one characteristic you see in men with delayed ejaculation is they don’t know how to ask for the right type of erotic stimulation, the kind that would arouse them sexually.

This means, particularly with the long-standing and hard erections that are typical of men with this sexual dysfunction, making love can become a mechanical process where a couple lose all sense of giving and receiving sensual touching. Mutual affection and sexual pleasure get lost in the race for performance or completion.

It becomes a desperate race for orgasm driven more by achievement of outcome than by love, affection, connection, or desire.