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Premature Ejaculation In men; Premature Orgasm In Women

Psychology Of Premature Ejaculation In Men and Premature Orgasm In Women

Men with a low intra-vaginal ejaculation latency time (IELT) may have problems with either their psychological framework or their neurobiological functions.

They are usually emotionally healthy but have this particular problem of being unable to control their ejaculation for only a short time. But there are many men who complain of premature ejaculation but have a regular or even a long time span and can usually delay ejaculation to some degree.

It would seem that this group may have psychological issues which cloud their judgement of what is an adequate sexual performance, or it may be that they have relationship problems concerning sexual intercourse, perhaps depending on their partner’s sexual expectations.

It is this latter group for whom the term ‘premature-like ejaculatory dysfunction’ has been coined. The condition is characterized by misperceptions about the subject’s personal tenacity, and is often based on the conviction that what is in fact a normal or even a long duration of sex is insufficient.

Evidently this involves a subjective judgment of the man’s personal performance compared with a standard of what he perceives as normal ejaculatory performance.

It is probable that this condition is brought about by psychological, cultural or other problems of the relationship. These are the societal values which impact the cultural conditioning of the lover archetype. It would seem therefore that this group should receive some form of counselling, or be educated in sexual psychological issues or perhaps be guided by some kind of psychotherapy.

These are the symptoms of premature-like ejaculatory dysfunction:

1 A perception of over-rapid ejaculation during all or nearly all occurrences of sexual intercourse.

2 An anxiety over the consequences of poor control and early ejaculation.

3 The misperception that the subject has a low IELT even though he has a normal or above average rating.

4 There is no other psychological dysfunction which accounts for the problem.

Waldinger asserts that there is ever growing evidence to suggest that lifelong PE, where the timing is less than 1 to 1.5 minutes, is a neurobiological dysfunction from which stem further psychological and relationship issues. He notes that drug treatment using SSRIs and clomipramine are now standard procedures for the condition. But it is not yet clear how men with lifelong PE and men with premature-like ejaculatory dysfunction differ in their emotional or physiological behavior. 

Waldinger goes on to say that there are many men who suffer from lifelong PE who have adopted coping strategies that help them through, although there are many more who have serious emotional or interpersonal problems. Men with long and short IELT duration may have differences in either their psychological or their neurobiological characteristics. The average lifetime PE man is usually emotionally stable but suffers only from this particular problem.

Premature Orgasm In Women?

It seems that men are not the only ones who can find themselves climaxing too soon. A new study shows that many women also experience premature orgasm. Perhaps this is accounted for by a deficiency of sovereign energy and a excess of lover archetype energy in the woman concerned.

This study, a survey of Portuguese women, found that about 40 percent sometimes reached orgasm faster than they intended and for about 3 percent, the problem was chronic. Study researcher, Serafim Carvalho, of the Hospital Magalhães Lemos in Porto, says that for these women, premature orgasm is more than an inconvenience. It is as serious a problem as the man’s equivalent and, in some cases, causes serious distress.

Female sexual dysfunction has never received the same amount of attention as the male problem, and early orgasm has hardly ever been studied. Carvalho and his group have found little more than a few ambiguous references in clinical manuals and the occasional anecdotal report. But while premature ejaculation in men is a recognized sexual dysfunction documented in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health (DSM), there is no similar category for an uncontrolled untimely orgasm in women.

The first stage of Carvalho’s study was to find out if this problem really troubled women. His office sent out a questionnaire to a sample of Portuguese women of ages between 18 and 45. The questions were about the frequency of premature orgasm, if the women ever felt a loss of control over timing, and whether they were anxious about the issue. One final question concerned their relationship satisfaction.

Over 60 percent, 510 women, responded to the mail survey. Out of those, 40 percent had experienced early orgasm at some point in their lives and 14 percent reported frequent premature orgasms. This 14 percent, says Carvalho, have cases that could require clinical attention. Strangely, there was no link discovered between premature orgasm and relationship satisfaction.

Carvalho reported his findings in the journal Sexologies. He writes that at one extreme are women who have complete control over orgasm, and at the end is a group who find themselves with a lack of control over the timing of orgasm, which can lead to possible personal or relationship problems.

One subject described her discomfort to the researchers in similar terms to that which a man would feel in the case of premature ejaculation. She reported that she finished very quickly, before her boyfriend got a chance to orgasm, and she finds the situation vexing.

She stated “Once I orgasm, I find it impossible to continue. The vibes are not the same and he misses out, which gives me a bad feeling.”

Of course premature ejaculation is a problem, but a total inability to achieve orgasm is less common. In men the condition is known as delayed ejaculation. About 12% of men apepar to have this problem. And in 2010, a study of American women found that problems reaching orgasm is the most widespread sexual complaint, with 54 percent of 18- to 30-year-olds reporting this difficulty.

Carvalho sums up by saying that although the study is preliminary and more research in a wider field is needed to discover the extent of female premature orgasm, it reveals a serious problem. He advises women not to be bashful about talking to a doctor and says that in most cases, this is a problem which can be solved.

Making Sexual Intercourse Better

Making Sex Better

When you are able to achieve reliable erection during Sensory Focus you and your partner have a choice. You may proceed to intercourse at the end of this period of manual stimulation by your partner, or you may go on with extended sexual orgasm training.

Erection problems often occur because a man believes he should automatically experience an erection whenever he’s in a sexual situation. Women often believe that too.

It’s a myth. Most men need their penises directly stimulated for erection. The need increases with age. A partner is the best source of that stimulation, so you should continue self-stimulation training through the stages when your partner watches you to learn how and then takes over the process.

You are responsible for arranging enough stimulation. You have to make sure you give yourself enough or your partner gives you enough. Then, even if you don’t begin a sexual encounter with an erection, you can produce an erection with self-stimulation. If you’ve done that in front of your partner in training, then you won’t be embarrassed to do it again when it’s needed.

Extended sexual orgasm

And yes, it’s okay, many men stimulate themselves in order to achieve a working level of arousal. It’s more fun if your partner does it for you, but not all women are willing to agree. It’s your penis, your pleasure, and ultimately your responsibility. This is all about connection with yourself and your lover, extremely important properties of the lover archetype.

Soft-Penis Intercourse

This can be a useful exercise for erection problems. Both partners experience pleasure from penile stimulation that isn’t dependent on erection. It’s also a pleasurable variation for any couple to use near the beginning of a sexual encounter, because it establishes sexual intimacy without rushing sexual performance.

The woman lies on her back with her right leg tented over the man’s hips. The man lies at a forty-five-degree angle to her body on his left side, facing her. lie holds his penis in his right hand and rubs the glans up, down, and around the woman’s clitoris. Both areas, penis and vulva, should be well lubricated.

The man should concentrate on stimulating his glans, focusing his attention on the pleasurable sensations he receives from rubbing it against his partner’s genitals. The woman should allow herself to enjoy the clitoral stimulation she’s receiving without thinking ahead to what she hopes or anticipates should happen—to her arousal or to his.

If you, the man, happen to develop an erection during this exercise, don’t be concerned. Continue the stimulation. If you sustain an erection for five minutes or more, you may partly insert yourself—no more than one inch—into your partner’s vagina. If you do partly insert yourself, continue to use your right hand to move your penis from inside the vagina to outside, up, and around the clitoris—in, out, around and around.


Training and foreplay exercise. Man rhythmically rubs soft penis against woman’s vaginal opening and clitoris. Penis lengthens, man rhythmically inserts up to one inch and withdraws.

After five minutes or more of partial insertion and clitoral teasing, if you are still sustaining an erection, you may gradually increase penetration while decreasing clitoral stimulation.

Do this exercise at least three times a week for at least fifteen minutes each session, even if you or your partner resists doing it, even if it bores you. Don’t expect an erection. Soft-penis intercourse is a training exercise. Boxers jump rope for training to develop their reflexes and stamina, not because they expect to jump rope in the ring.

Men with erection problems should make a list of the times when their penises rise to the occasion and the times when they don’t. You may identify a pattern.

Alcohol is a very common cause of erection problems. The classic alcohol-related disability is failing to achieve erection because you’re anesthetized with alcohol and then panicking and assuming your penis is permanently disabled. Performance anxiety after that sustains a self-fulfilling prophecy. Up to two drinks in any three-hour period can help rather than hinder sexual experience, but more than that may interfere. Use of the energy of your warrior archetype to set a boundary around how much you drink may be very helpful here.

There are other difficulties you might discover by listing occasions. Some men find they have no difficulty with a familiar partner but difficulty with a new partner. For other men it’s the other way around.

Especially with a familiar partner, you can solve your problem by finding ways to make sex feel new, different, and more exciting. Change the time, change the setting, change the position. One certain new adventure that you and your partner might arrange for yourselves is agreement to train for extended sexual orgasm.

Sex Positions For Fantastic Sex

The images in popular culture can make us all feel inadequate when it comes to sex. Men who watch porn may think they should be able to pound away in their hapless girl’s vagina until she comes in a powerful orgasm.

Women may think they should be able to have five orgasms in a row as soon as a penis appears anywhere near their vagina! The truth, of course, is very different – most men experience premature ejaculation, at least some of the time, when they have sex, especially in certain positions like rear entry, while most women never come during vaginal intercourse.

(Watching porn can give us all a very distorted view of what sex is really like. For example, it’s not normal to finish a bout of sex by withdrawing from your girl’s vagina and ejaculating over her face. Yet this is what many teenage boys are learning about sex as they watch internet porn.)

Just in case you don’t believe me when I say that most men come quickly and most women never come at all during intercourse (and this can be hard to believe; you may even think you’re just a poor lover because these things happen to you), a recent survey proved that only about one woman in five will come during intercourse without any clitoral stimulation.

I suspect even the one in five who does come is actually having an orgasm because her clitoris is being rubbed or stimulated in some way during intercourse without her really appreciating that fact. It’s a bit like the Coital Alignment Technique, which stimulates the clitoris during intercourse and can bring women to orgasm during sex.

Similarly, most men ejaculate within three minutes of penetrating their partner. This was first demonstrated by Alfred Kinsey in 1958, but nothing has change since, as a survey by the German University at Kohn recently proved.

The really important question, of course, is: “Does this matter?” Well…it depends. If you or your partner wants to have vaginal orgasms while you make love then, yes, it matters a lot.

Though many authorities say that this is not necessary for good sex, the simple fact is that having the female partner reach orgasm while a couple make love is a very profound experience for both the man and the woman, and it can add greatly to both partners’ enjoyment of sex. Most men will come immediately their partner begins to have her orgasm, and the sensation of her vagina gripping his penis as she climaxes will give him great pleasure and most likely cause him to ejaculate as well. Yes: that’s what’s called a simultaneous orgasm. Now, how are you going to achieve that?

Well, first of all, accept that she’s going to need a helping hand or finger on her clitoris. That’s how most women who come during sex get to orgasm. (We’ll come back to the idea of the vaginal orgasm, reached purely stimulating the G spot during sex, later.) For the moment, I’m going to offer you some ideas for sex positions that can help a couple bring the woman to orgasm. first off, the man may have a slow ejaculation, or even one that is seriously delayed.

The best position for sex is man on top. It’s a good position for many reasons: ease, comfort, more sensation for the man, easy on the woman who can lie back and enjoy it – we all know why we like it. Men can thrust deeply, but of course while this gives him great pleasure, his penis probably doesn’t go anywhere near her clitoris.

The thing to do is to modify the man on top position so that her clitoris gets some much-needed stimulation. This is the Coital Alignment Technique, about which you can discover more here

After her enters her, the man shifts his body up so that his penis enters her vagina from a more acute angle. The bottom of the shaft of his penis, where it enters his body, will then be pressed against the general area of her clitoris. He doesn’t then thrust; it’s more like he’s lying on her as the couple rock their bodies against each other.

With a gentle motion that massages his penis in her vagina and stimulates her clitoris, it’s not hard to time the movements so that the couple reach orgasm together.

The best position for a woman to reach orgasm during sex is with her on top, sitting on the man with his penis inside her, facing him.

The reason woman on top works so well is that she can control the depth and angle of penetration, and the speed of thrusting, and the angle at which she lies on her partner, thereby allowing her clitoris to get the stimulation it needs to bring her to orgasm.

Essentially she is in charge during sex in this position, and she can modify it as sex proceeds so that her clitoris is stimulated until she comes – and she can control the speed with which this happens.

Another great position for orgasm during sex is rear entry. In this position, there is plenty of opportunity for either the man or the woman to play with her clitoris until she comes. The only problem here might be that men find this position so stimulating, they tend to come very quickly. Mind you, he can always stop moving while she catches up with him, so simultaneous orgasm should still be possible.

Perhaps the best of all positions for female orgasm is side by side sex. This is a romantic position, one which provides the man with much less stimulation, so he can last longer, and which at the same time allows either him or her to play with her clitoris so that she can get to orgasm.

Because it’s relaxed and romantic, sex in this position can feel much more loving and tender than, say, rear entry. All in all, it’s a sex position which will provide all the romantics out there with a superb experience of feeling your lover and then enjoying a shared orgasm!

Disconnection from sexual desire

Ejaculation And Your Mental / Emotional Thoughts and Feelings

Often, a man who is experiencing difficulty reaching the “point of no return”, a.k.a. the point of ejaculatory inevitability, seems to be a bit detached from sexual connection with his partner.

This may reflect his inability to connect with his inner world of thoughts, feelings and emotions.

Yet, as therapists dealing with ejaculation problems quickly find out, men who can’t ejaculate during sex often want some kind of physical explanation for this dysfunction and some sort of drug to treat it.

couple making love
Delayed ejaculation disrupts sexual pleasure for men and women alike.

And you can see why! Those options may look more attractive than the idea of a psychological consultation and treatment with a real live therapist! I mean, that requires a man to reveal something about himself….

However, drugs don’t exist, and physical explanations are hard to find. (Update – maybe drugs will be available soon…)

Add that to the fact that many men with delayed ejaculation have experienced a lot of emotional stress and dramatic life events.

Suddenly it becomes hard to avoid thinking that emotional stress and psychological trauma at some point in life must have a lot to do with causing delayed ejaculation! 

Life History and Delays In Reaching Climax

It’s also not surprising to find that many men initially refuse to accept there’s any connection between traumatic life events (such as sexual abuse, a negative family background, trauma of some kind, and so on) and their sexual dysfunction.

They prefer to believe that some unknown physical factors must cause delayed ejaculation.

This is partly because there’s a very common belief that the male sexual response is almost automatic.

We all tend to think it goes like this: naked partner, sexual opportunity, arousal, erection, intercourse, ejaculation. That kind of thing, anyway!

So when a man says he cannot ejaculate but he believes he “should be able to” because “that’s what men do”, he may well be defending against feeling his own emotional vulnerability and his emotional needs.

Men in this situation may not know what would satisfy them sexually, and they may not be in touch with the nature of their own sexuality, nor what makes for good sex.

And it’s quite common for men in this situation to give the impression of lacking adequate sexual knowledge.

I also believe that an upbringing which emphasizes the need for a boy to “toughen up” in any way that separates him from his emotional experience is likely to complicate the development of his erotic world as an adult. After all, we all shut down and disconnect from others when we’re hurt emotionally, children and adults alike.

And there are all kinds of sexual trauma which may happen during childhood and adolescence which can affect a boy’s developing sexuality.

One outcome may be the loss of an internal erotic world which would allow a man to function “normally” in bed with a partner later in life…. and that includes reaching climax in a normal time frame.

The Inner Erotic World

So what does it really mean when we talk about the “loss” of a man’s erotic world? How could this actually cause anejaculation (lack of ejaculation), or the complete loss of ability to climax during sex?

To start with, it’s about a man’s ability to separate the everyday world in which he lives and functions from his inner world of sexuality. That’s the one from which he engages in sexual activity and fantasy thinking.

Most of us can easily transition between an erotic fantasy world, where we are absorbed in some kind of sexual activity, and the everyday world where we live from moment to moment (and into which, of course, sexual thoughts may intrude).

But some people find stepping into their world of sexuality dangerous or risky, and therefore cannot do it easily. Others love to engage in fantasy and erotic thinking.

And men with delayed ejaculation can be seen as men who seem to prefer to avoid their own internal erotic world. This applies particularly to those in longterm relationships.

For men in this position, creating an erotic atmosphere or moving into an internal erotic fantasy world is seen as somehow dangerous, risky, exhausting, or undesirable. The move tends to take slowly, if at all, during sexual arousal.

Video – Arousal In Relationship

In some cases the man’s internal psychological world of eroticism and sexuality is so lacking that it can no longer be used to create the kind of sexual arousal or desire that’s needed for successful sex.

For example, when a man discovers sexual experience late in life, he may lack knowledge about basic sexual techniques. And he may lack a fantasy life.

In that case, everything that provides sexual stimulation has to be applied externally. And if it isn’t there – he may not be aroused. Even when he has an erection.

Video about sexual techniques

Some therapists believe that delayed ejaculation and other sexual dysfunctions occur when the mental / emotional connection between stimulus and output is somehow malfunctioning.

Certainly, when sex ceases to be something pleasurable, exciting or exceptional, its power to excite and arouse may well be weakened.

In this situation men and women may become dependent on their own physical desire as the key agent of sexual activity, and although that’s strong in some individuals, it’s not in all of us. Perhaps not even in the majority.

The Cultural Impact

We are all influenced by the culture in which we live. Even our sexual expectations of ourselves are influenced in this way.

And so perhaps media stories of sexual offences, sexual abuse, or the identification of male or female sexuality as problematic can cause sexual dysfunctions.

Because, when these stories are reported and broadcast, this negative publicity may somehow diminish the power and vitality of a person’s sexual life. This may cause problems of low desire, which may manifest as delayed ejaculation in men.

Of course, sexuality and aggression are clearly linked. And we still live in a society that is deeply sexually repressed in many ways.

Maybe some of the sexual problems we see in men, and especially delayed ejaculation, result from the repression of sexual desire or an inadequate level of erotic stimulation because of sexual repression.

But What Does This All Mean In Reality? 

So, for example, one characteristic you see in men with delayed ejaculation is they don’t know how to ask for the right type of erotic stimulation, the kind that would arouse them sexually.

This means, particularly with the long-standing and hard erections that are typical of men with this sexual dysfunction, making love can become a mechanical process where a couple lose all sense of giving and receiving sensual touching. Mutual affection and sexual pleasure get lost in the race for performance or completion.

It becomes a desperate race for orgasm driven more by achievement of outcome than by love, affection, connection, or desire.

Difficulty Ejaculating

Why Can’t You Come During Intercourse?

If you have delayed ejaculation you know what it means – you find it hard to reach orgasm and ejaculate during sex.

Couple in bedroom - man sitting on side of bed looking sad
Never ending sex? That’s delayed ejaculation!

Even though you have a good erection, and may be able to make love for as long as you want – you just don’t reach orgasm and ejaculate. Not inside your partner, anyway.

Or maybe you can get there, but it’s very difficult for you to come. You might even be faking your orgasm.

While this might seem very desirable to any man who comes too quickly, in reality it can be embarrassing and distressing to both the man and his sexual partner.

So why does this happen? And what can you do about it?

Let’s start at the very beginning.

How Many Men Have Delayed Ejaculation?

One group of researchers interviewed over 1,600 men about their sexual responses. First they asked about prostate problems that might lead to retrograde ejaculation.

Then they asked about other conditions, such as problems in partner relationships, and emotional and psychological issues such as stress at work, level of sex drive, the partner’s ability to climax (or not) during sex, any medical treatment in the past three months, and general physical health, looking for such conditions as diabetes and hyperlipidemia.

Among these 1,600 men, 80 men had some degree of delay in ejaculating or total absence of ejaculation. That’s around 5%, which I think may be on the low side. I believe as many as  10% to 12% of men have delayed ejaculation: about 1 in 10.

Although that’s a lot,  not much research has been done, there’s a shortage of reliable information available, and men who have this condition don’t like to talk about it.

If you have the opposite tendency – towards a quick finish – you may be thinking that delayed ejaculation sounds like a dream come true, but of course the reality is very different.

Couple in bedroom - man sitting on side of bed looking sad
Delayed ejaculation can cause problems in any relationship.

There are no real benefits to a VERY long build up to male orgasm and ejaculation (which may then never happen at all). In fact it makes lovemaking into hard work for both partners and tends to deprive them of any level of satisfaction.

But why does delayed ejaculation happen in the first place? That’s the question.

Well, lots of things control how fast or slow a man will reach his climax during intercourse.

“Frigid” Women vs Men Who Can’t Orgasm

But before we look at the origins of delayed ejaculation (or DE for short), it’s just worth remembering that many years ago a woman who was unable to achieve climax during intercourse was described as “frigid”.

attractive woman lying clothed on bed
No orgasm for a man makes us think there must be a problem. But what does it mean when a woman can’t come during intercourse? Is she “frigid”? And is it a problem in the same as it is when a man has this issue?

That was unfair. The truth is most women cannot achieve orgasm during sexual intercourse without additional 
clitoral stimulation from her own hand or her partner’s hands.

Nowadays, we think of this as normal. And that’s also true if a woman can only come in other ways, such as by self-stimulation (masturbation).

But when a man can’t come during sex it somehow seems very different.  In other words, delayed ejaculation is regarded as very different from female anorgasmia.

If a man is unable to finish naturally during intercourse, we do tend to regard him as having a problem – and so, of course, does he.

The tendency is to think of men with DE as having a problem.

dreamstimemedium_38539723A man with delayed ejaculation may feel like a failure in bed, and believe he is failing to satisfy his partner’s needs. And a woman is often certain that her man cannot reach orgasm because he does not find her attractive enough or arousing enough, or because she can’t satisfy him sexually.

Keep this information in the back of your mind as you read through this website, because it’s important to remember there’s a difference in the way we regard men and women who have orgasmic “disorders” of one kind or another.

In particular, if you are a couple dealing with DE,

  • ensure you are communicating properly about how you feel
  • make sure that the woman can say confidently when she wants the man to stop thrusting
  • make sure the woman gets extra lube during intercourse if she needs more to continue enjoying lovemaking
  • make sure the man can talk about his fears, frustration, and sadness or any other emotions
  • make sure the woman can voice her feelings

That is a very basic level of communication – but it is needed to ensure DE doesn’t cause a major rift in your relationship.

And of course better communication about the man’s sexual problem will remove the pressure from both partners and may prevent major disagreements arising.

*The good news is, most men get massive improvements from my self-help program at home.*

You can achieve the greatest success when both you and your partner are involved in the cure or solution, and you are both willing to explore any underlying emotional issues which are reinforcing the difficulties you’re having reaching the point of orgasm and ejaculation.

By the way, at the moment there are no drugs which can be used to increase the speed with which a man achieves climax.

Sidebar: find out more about how porn can cause DE and other sexual problems here.

What Does Sex Mean For You?

Most people think of sex as foreplay, penetration, and thrusting, followed by the man being carried away on a surge of increasing sexual arousal with little or no discrimination about the point at which he ejaculates.

And whether the woman likes it or not, when the man ejaculates, sexual intercourse is usually finished for them both.

This can be deeply unsatisfying – both physically and emotionally – for the woman.

For one thing, she may not be physically pleasured or emotionally fulfilled, and she’s almost certainly not had an orgasm.

So the end of intercourse produces an emotional break, a separation, from her partner.

Most women see the physical and emotional connection of lovemaking as important – as a sign of her love for her man.

So intercourse ending when the man achieves orgasm is considered normal, but can be upsetting for the woman.

Equally, for the man, his prescribed role as a lover tends to be more dominant, while she is more passive and yielding. And while most couples might prefer things to be different, the man usually doesn’t have much control over when he comes, and he’s grateful for any pleasure he gets and/or is able to give his partner.

But sex can be much better than this when the length, intensity, and pleasure of intercourse give the man a feeling of satisfaction and masculine power, and the woman enough stimulation to feel fulfilled and “satisfied”.

And if the man can choose when to “release”, and has control over the timing of his orgasm, then both partners tend to feel much happier.

Especially the woman, because intercourse will involve satisfying physical contact and emotional connection with her partner. And maybe even an orgasm.

And it’s true that some women find long lasting vaginal intercourse produces a deeply satisfying G spot or vaginal orgasm, which is a profoundly different experience to a clitoral orgasm.

But for most couples, delayed ejaculation is a problem. You can click here to get an effective treatment.


delayed-92*Two good research summaries which you may find helpful are a piece in Sandra Leiblum’s book Principles and Practice of Sex Therapy, and a piece on the Treatment Of Retarded Ejaculation in the Handbook of Sexual and Gender Identity Disorders by David Rowland and Luca Incrocci, published in 2008.

*Delayed ejaculation treatment is conventionally regarded as quite complex, requiring the skilled work of systemic, psychodynamic, and cognitive behavioral therapists. As we shall see, that is not true.

Arousal, Excitement and Ejaculation 2

Men who can masturbate to orgasm on their own, but not with a partner, may often be treated for retarded ejaculation in a way which suggests they need to somehow “get over” their sexual and emotional inhibitions.

couple holding each other
Delayed ejaculation and your relationship – they are inextricably interlinked. Obviously.

And I assume this means men in a relationship with a partner with whom they are indeed unable to reach orgasm and ejaculate may have a deep need to be in control during lovemaking.

So – here’s a question. Are you afraid of losing control when you orgasm? And do you think that might have something to do with why you can’t ejaculate?

If so, here’s a radical approach! Try role-playing yourself having an orgasm in a very dramatic fashion, acting as though you ARE out of control, and engaging your partner in the role-play as though she were out of control as well, consumed with sexual desire!

What you play out like this can hardly embarrass you “for real”. And it might well help you get over inhibitions about sex…. so much so that hopefully you never have to hear those awful words again – “What’s taking you so long?”

You see, when men fear a loss of control at orgasm, such exaggerated role-play can be effective in helping them feel OK with the noises they make and the loss of control they feel at orgasm.

couple in love
A sensitive and caring relationship with mutual trust and respect is key to overcoming delayed ejaculation.

And that may lower a man’s inhibitions about letting his partner see him having a real orgasm!

Now, what aboutemotions in your relationship such as hostility, shame or guilt between you and your partner?

As a man becomes more able to achieve orgasm more easily, your sexual repertoire can be expanded to encompass oral sex, passive containment of the penis in the vagina, intercourse and thrusting by the man, and mutual thrusting by both partners.

If you find it hard to ejaculate during love play or sex, these things will help you get more comfortable with intimacy and help you overcome anejaculation (the absence of ejaculation).

For a while, avoid any attempt to reach orgasm. Sooner or later you – the man – will find that you are approaching orgasm spontaneously.

And to help this, try to find your “orgasm triggers”, which is a method also used to help women who are anorgasmic.

I quote: “Orgasm triggers are physiological events that tend to occur spontaneously and involuntarily when a person has orgasm. With  experience, many people come to perform the orgasm triggers voluntarily when they are highly aroused, both to initiate their orgasm and to heighten its intensity.

Orgasm triggers include arching the foot and pointing the toes, tensing the thigh muscles, contracting the pubococcygeal muscle and bearing down in the pelvis, caressing and squeezing the scrotum against the perineum, holding the breath in a Valsalva maneuver (i.e., attempting to exhale against a closed glottis), and throwing the head back to displace the glottis.

However, telling a patient to perform all of these maneuvers at once to trigger an orgasm would certainly interfere with arousal and would lead to a performance-oriented spectator role! To avoid this negative effect, orgasm triggers are introduced sequentially over a few sessions, with each one described as a way to heighten pleasure and not initiate orgasm.

A simple adjunct to treatment

Another powerful method of achieving greater physiological stimulation, and thereby overcoming male orgasmic disorder, is to use anal or prostate stimulation.

Stimulation of the anus can trigger a reflex orgasmic response and so may help overcome delayed ejaculation.

Anal stimulation can be achieved by a finger or an anal vibrator, and this actually is very effective; in fact, much more effective than applying a vibrator to the penis, a method which doesn’t really help a man to achieve orgasm at all.

The object is to get to the finishing line faster; how much you want to do that will be relatec to how much you’re willing to explore new sexual practices.

You know – in the service of achieving greater arousal, trying some new sexual techniques is well worthwhile.

So, if you and your partner wish to include anal exploration and stimulation as part of your sexual activity then start in the shower so that any concerns you have about hygiene can be reduced.

Finger play around the anus as the man approaches orgasm can trigger his ejaculation due to the intensely erotic nature of this pleasurable stimulus.

Of course, accepting this as a valid and enjoyable form of sex play may also require a man to liberate himself from what he sees as “right” and “wrong” sexual practices…..

Arousal, Excitement, Ejaculation

Levels Of Arousal

Overcoming a lack of orgasm in men sometimes involves an approach which is intended to encourage the man to relax his self-control and respond more to foreplay and stimulation so he becomes more sexually aroused.

If you are a man who is unable to ejaculate during sexual intercourse, because you aren’t sufficiently aroused, then anything which helps you become more aroused during loveplay or foreplay will help you ejaculate more easily during lovemaking and intercourse.

In working with your slow ejaculation you may want to build on your current level of sexual arousal by using techniques to increase arousal and desire.

In essence, it’s about finding ways to stimulate yourself with sexual fantasies and physical touch.

delayed ejaculation
There are many ways to get aroused, including foreplay.

Discover how to get more aroused, more easily… and help yourself get over delayed ejaculation….and if you’re a girl and your boyfriend can’t orgasm, why not direct him to the treatment program on this website?

Exercises designed to arouse you work for many men, and they can also help you relinquish a need for control during sex. Also, techniques to desensitize you from whatever has become your usual method of becoming aroused would also be useful. (That’s often hard and fast hand movements during self-stimulation.)

If you can’t climax during sex….

Build on what is possible now….

Build on whatever level of sexual arousal is possible now.
Build on whatever level of sexual arousal is possible now.

Suppose you can’t cum with a partner. Perhaps you can only ejaculate when your partner is in another room.

If so, then that has to be the starting point for your progression towards “normal” sex and easy ejaculation.

The next step might be to have your partner in the room, but some distance away as you self-pleasure and stimulate yourself.

A series of additional steps might end with you reaching orgasm in the close presence of your partner, and then trying vaginal intercourse just before you ejaculate.

All of this takes place in ideal conditions. You need to be selfish, i.e more concerned with your own welfare than your partner’s, as you retrain your sexual responses, and you need to be able to “take” without being over-concerned about “giving” to your partner.

You must only try intercourse when you are sufficiently aroused to stand a good chance of reaching orgasm. Having an erection may not be enough! (We look at the reasons why a man might appear to be aroused but in fact unable to “finish” elsewhere on the site.)

It’s also helpful for to work through any feelings of guilt, hostility or anger towards your partner that might be part of the problem.

Many men with orgasmic difficulties think they should be more giving, but in reality are often unable to take, so any treatment should work to help you be more selfish during sex, to be more demanding, and to ask for more stimulation of the right kind that will enable you to become more aroused.

This is all about seeking out your own pleasure.

Because when you have delayed ejaculation, there’s not a lot of systematic research or data available regarding the outcome of any kind of therapy treatments.

What we do know is that counselling or psychotherapy can really help a man to overcome delayed ejaculation and male orgasm problems.

We also know a man must be willing to look at the deeper psychological issues around sex and also at the nature and quality of his relationship with his partner.

Psychotherapy & sensate focus

The usual treatment adopted for delayed ejaculation is around reducing performance anxiety and having a high level of sexual self-confidence.

Your self-critical internal observer needs to be disempowered, so you can fully engage in sexual activity with your whole presence (emotional, physical and spiritual).

This lets you focus on the sensations you’re experiencing in the moment, and not on the achievement of orgasm.

Then, you can reduce your anxiety about achieving orgasm, and enjoy sexual pleasure from caressing and stimulation.

The only effective treatment methodology I’m aware of which encompasses these objectives is sensate focusThis ensures that you are more in connection with your own body, more aware of your own arousal, and more relaxed with your partner.

Anal and Genital Stimulation

As we mentioned above, a good treatment approach for delayed ejaculation is simply to receive more physical stimulation so you can reach orgasm more easily.

So you may wish to try increasing physical stimulation of the sexual and genital areas, including the scrotum, penis, perineum, and anus. One exciting way to do this is to use an anal stimulation sex toy. And another potentially exciting method of increasing your arousal is prostate stimulation, which can be great for all concerned!

Change The Way You Masturbate

How about learning to masturbate with a different focus? If you can achieve orgasm during masturbation, how about sharing the experience with your partner?

Or how about having her stimulate your penis while you stay in a mental space where you simply enjoy the sensations of stimulation and arousal without any conscious attempt to reach orgasm?

The idea is to go through several cycles of stimulation and relaxation without any orgasm and ejaculation.

So, if you happen to approach the point of no return, you can discontinue stimulation and relax until your arousal has dropped, and then restart.

This may help you to achieve orgasm more easily because it takes away performance pressure. You may even find that you are unable to prevent yourself from having an orgasm during sexual stimulation at some point in the future.

When you reach orgasm the “therapy” is adapted so that you enjoy an orgasm only when you feel it’s going to happen despite a lack of intention on your part. Again, no performance pressure, you see!

For Men Who Are Having Trouble Ejaculating

A couple where the man who takes much too long to come can be seen as fortunate. We all know that many men ejaculate too quickly!
happy woman sitting on edge of the bed
What makes a woman happy in bed? Long or short-lived intercourse?

But while a lot of women are dismayed by premature ejaculation (PE), it’s a mistake to think of the opposite condition – delayed ejaculation (DE) – as some kind of great lovemaking technique.

In fact, the truth is that long lasting intercourse caused by DE can be just as distressing for a woman as very short lived intercourse caused by PE. And being with a man who can’t climax during intercourse can make a woman feel physically sore, and psychologically unattractive.

So while a woman might think that delayed ejaculation symptoms are something she’d like to have in her man’s lovemaking repertoire, the truth is that the reality can be distressing. For example, a woman may even begin to think her man’s problems might be her fault.

So if you’re a woman whose man is having problems ejaculating, and you’re not experiencing the delights of him coming inside your mouth or vagina, please remember it’s not your fault.

You see, his problem is caused by him not being turned on, and most likely this has nothing to do with you.

What Is Delayed Ejaculation?

Well, to start with, there is no clear definition – but I think we can say with confidence that if a man’s taking more than 15 minutes to finish during lovemaking he’s probably suffering from delayed ejaculation.

And if he’s taking more than 30 minutes, then he’s definitely got a problem. And so have you, of course.

Now this is no fun, no matter how desirable it might sound. There’s almost always pressure on the relationship, which can even make a couple reluctant to have sex at all.

Because if he finishes with a sore penis, and you end up with a sore vagina, and you both can get bored, what’s the point?

Well, of course the point is that the survival of your relationship might depend on you both having a good sexual relationship with each other.

1 The Physical Causes

There are a lot of medications on the market which interfere with a man’s capacity to reach orgasm and ejaculate normally. These include SSRI antidepressants like Prozac and Paxil, and other medications used to treat anxiety like Xanax and Valium.

Another category of medication which can make a man last forever without being able to “come” (or “cum”) is antipsychotic medication.

Other drugs which have similar effects include blood pressure medications and anti-convulsive medications, as well as Statins and many other drugs. These can all stop a man ejaculating, or ensure that he lasts a long time before climax (but not in a good way!)

One option is to switch to medications reputed to have fewer side-effects like Wellbutrin. But the truth is that some of these medications are vital for your well-being, and it’s not worth the risk of stopping or changing them.

In this case, perhaps a couple could take a different attitude? For example, how about changing the approach….  as a woman, if you can’t make your husband climax any more, maybe there’s no point trying, and you should simply go for the feeling of connection and intimacy which comes from penile penetration, but without the expectation of orgasm?

Or, if you are a man, how about simply using hand stimulation to achieve climax and enjoying penetration for it’s own sake?

2 Anxiety and Depression – And Other Emotional Stress – The Psychological Causes

There are many causes of delayed ejaculation
Sometimes the problem is in the relationship!

Although it seems strange, some emotional conditions often seem to cause male anorgasmia (absence of orgasm).

Obviously when a man is sexually aroused and simply cannot ejaculate, there might be nothing you can do about this.

In such cases, counselling or some other kind of psychological therapy may be needed. This isn’t just about the quality of your sex life, it’s about the quality of your relationship and enjoying a satisfying sex life.

3 Other Medical Conditions

If your man is sexually aroused but still doesn’t reach orgasm, it’s worth considering whether or not there might be some other medical issue involved in the problem.

There are some conditions like urinary tract infections and antibiotics which might stop ejaculation. And sometimes ejaculatory delay is the symptom of a condition like multiple sclerosis, diabetes or maybe even hypothyroidism.

This isn’t a reason to panic – it’s just a reason to check out whether there’s something else going on that’s causing the problem.

Performance Anxiety

As far as psychological issues are concerned, sometimes overcoming ejaculation problems is all about overcoming performance anxiety or the fear of not being good enough in bed.

Men with penile abnormalities like hypospadias, or testicular problems, or even – regrettably – men with a small penis, may fear exposing themselves in a sexual situation, and the anxiety this produces can cause emotional hangups which get in the way of a man reaching the finishing line while all around him are charging over it.

There are other problems too:  anger or resentment towards a sexual partner, or perhaps even latent homosexuality. But don’t assume this is the cause of your delayed ejaculation (DE) or your man’s DE before examining the simpler and more obvious possibilities.

For example, perhaps your relationship’s in trouble? If so, you might need to see a relationship therapist or engage in some serious straight talking about how you feel.

4 Alcohol

As Shakespeare said, it increases the desire but reduces the ability – although he didn’t put it quite so politely! One cause of a man who has lost his mojo is drinking too much – it does cause problems in this area.

5 Masturbation Technique

A lot of guys who can’t come can trace their trouble with ejaculation right back to problems with adolescent masturbation.

In other words, they probably learned to masturbate with a hard or harsh technique which involved a lot of pressure and speed on the penis, either with their hand or by thrusting against the mattress in bed.

Even into adulthood some men who find it challenging to ejaculate during sex with a woman still use this method of masturbation. So if you or your man has difficulty coming during intercourse, it may be worth thinking about how he brings himself off when he’s on his own.

The heavy duty masturbation style a lot of men employ can cause serious sexual dysfunction, and that level of pressure can’t be replicated by either a mouth or vagina, or even a woman’s hand.

To overcome delayed ejaculation, a man must train his penis and body to respond to less pressure and feel more sensitivity.