Men who can masturbate to orgasm on their own, but not with a partner, may often be treated for retarded ejaculation in a way which suggests they need to somehow “get over” their sexual and emotional inhibitions.
And I assume this means men in a relationship with a partner with whom they are indeed unable to reach orgasm and ejaculate may have a deep need to be in control during lovemaking.
So – here’s a question. Are you afraid of losing control when you orgasm? And do you think that might have something to do with why you can’t ejaculate?
If so, here’s a radical approach! Try role-playing yourself having an orgasm in a very dramatic fashion, acting as though you ARE out of control, and engaging your partner in the role-play as though she were out of control as well, consumed with sexual desire!
What you play out like this can hardly embarrass you “for real”. And it might well help you get over inhibitions about sex…. so much so that hopefully you never have to hear those awful words again – “What’s taking you so long?”
You see, when men fear a loss of control at orgasm, such exaggerated role-play can be effective in helping them feel OK with the noises they make and the loss of control they feel at orgasm.
And that may lower a man’s inhibitions about letting his partner see him having a real orgasm!
Now, what aboutemotions in your relationship such as hostility, shame or guilt between you and your partner?
As a man becomes more able to achieve orgasm more easily, your sexual repertoire can be expanded to encompass oral sex, passive containment of the penis in the vagina, intercourse and thrusting by the man, and mutual thrusting by both partners.
If you find it hard to ejaculate during love play or sex, these things will help you get more comfortable with intimacy and help you overcome anejaculation (the absence of ejaculation).
For a while, avoid any attempt to reach orgasm. Sooner or later you – the man – will find that you are approaching orgasm spontaneously.
And to help this, try to find your “orgasm triggers”, which is a method also used to help women who are anorgasmic.
I quote: “Orgasm triggers are physiological events that tend to occur spontaneously and involuntarily when a person has orgasm. With experience, many people come to perform the orgasm triggers voluntarily when they are highly aroused, both to initiate their orgasm and to heighten its intensity.
Orgasm triggers include arching the foot and pointing the toes, tensing the thigh muscles, contracting the pubococcygeal muscle and bearing down in the pelvis, caressing and squeezing the scrotum against the perineum, holding the breath in a Valsalva maneuver (i.e., attempting to exhale against a closed glottis), and throwing the head back to displace the glottis.
However, telling a patient to perform all of these maneuvers at once to trigger an orgasm would certainly interfere with arousal and would lead to a performance-oriented spectator role! To avoid this negative effect, orgasm triggers are introduced sequentially over a few sessions, with each one described as a way to heighten pleasure and not initiate orgasm.“
A simple adjunct to treatment
Another powerful method of achieving greater physiological stimulation, and thereby overcoming male orgasmic disorder, is to use anal or prostate stimulation.
Stimulation of the anus can trigger a reflex orgasmic response and so may help overcome delayed ejaculation.
Anal stimulation can be achieved by a finger or an anal vibrator, and this actually is very effective; in fact, much more effective than applying a vibrator to the penis, a method which doesn’t really help a man to achieve orgasm at all.
The object is to get to the finishing line faster; how much you want to do that will be relatec to how much you’re willing to explore new sexual practices.
You know – in the service of achieving greater arousal, trying some new sexual techniques is well worthwhile.
So, if you and your partner wish to include anal exploration and stimulation as part of your sexual activity then start in the shower so that any concerns you have about hygiene can be reduced.
Finger play around the anus as the man approaches orgasm can trigger his ejaculation due to the intensely erotic nature of this pleasurable stimulus.
Of course, accepting this as a valid and enjoyable form of sex play may also require a man to liberate himself from what he sees as “right” and “wrong” sexual practices…..