Disconnection from sexual desire

Ejaculation And Your Mental / Emotional Thoughts and Feelings

Often, a man who is experiencing difficulty reaching the “point of no return”, a.k.a. the point of ejaculatory inevitability, seems to be a bit detached from sexual connection with his partner.

This may reflect his inability to connect with his inner world of thoughts, feelings and emotions.

Yet, as therapists dealing with ejaculation problems quickly find out, men who can’t ejaculate during sex often want some kind of physical explanation for this dysfunction and some sort of drug to treat it.

couple making love
Delayed ejaculation disrupts sexual pleasure for men and women alike.

And you can see why! Those options may look more attractive than the idea of a psychological consultation and treatment with a real live therapist! I mean, that requires a man to reveal something about himself….

However, drugs don’t exist, and physical explanations are hard to find. (Update – maybe drugs will be available soon…)

Add that to the fact that many men with delayed ejaculation have experienced a lot of emotional stress and dramatic life events.

Suddenly it becomes hard to avoid thinking that emotional stress and psychological trauma at some point in life must have a lot to do with causing delayed ejaculation! 

Life History and Delays In Reaching Climax

It’s also not surprising to find that many men initially refuse to accept there’s any connection between traumatic life events (such as sexual abuse, a negative family background, trauma of some kind, and so on) and their sexual dysfunction.

They prefer to believe that some unknown physical factors must cause delayed ejaculation.

This is partly because there’s a very common belief that the male sexual response is almost automatic.

We all tend to think it goes like this: naked partner, sexual opportunity, arousal, erection, intercourse, ejaculation. That kind of thing, anyway!

So when a man says he cannot ejaculate but he believes he “should be able to” because “that’s what men do”, he may well be defending against feeling his own emotional vulnerability and his emotional needs.

Men in this situation may not know what would satisfy them sexually, and they may not be in touch with the nature of their own sexuality, nor what makes for good sex.

And it’s quite common for men in this situation to give the impression of lacking adequate sexual knowledge.

I also believe that an upbringing which emphasizes the need for a boy to “toughen up” in any way that separates him from his emotional experience is likely to complicate the development of his erotic world as an adult. After all, we all shut down and disconnect from others when we’re hurt emotionally, children and adults alike.

And there are all kinds of sexual trauma which may happen during childhood and adolescence which can affect a boy’s developing sexuality.

One outcome may be the loss of an internal erotic world which would allow a man to function “normally” in bed with a partner later in life…. and that includes reaching climax in a normal time frame.

The Inner Erotic World

So what does it really mean when we talk about the “loss” of a man’s erotic world? How could this actually cause anejaculation (lack of ejaculation), or the complete loss of ability to climax during sex?

To start with, it’s about a man’s ability to separate the everyday world in which he lives and functions from his inner world of sexuality. That’s the one from which he engages in sexual activity and fantasy thinking.

Most of us can easily transition between an erotic fantasy world, where we are absorbed in some kind of sexual activity, and the everyday world where we live from moment to moment (and into which, of course, sexual thoughts may intrude).

But some people find stepping into their world of sexuality dangerous or risky, and therefore cannot do it easily. Others love to engage in fantasy and erotic thinking.

And men with delayed ejaculation can be seen as men who seem to prefer to avoid their own internal erotic world. This applies particularly to those in longterm relationships.

For men in this position, creating an erotic atmosphere or moving into an internal erotic fantasy world is seen as somehow dangerous, risky, exhausting, or undesirable. The move tends to take slowly, if at all, during sexual arousal.

Video – Arousal In Relationship

In some cases the man’s internal psychological world of eroticism and sexuality is so lacking that it can no longer be used to create the kind of sexual arousal or desire that’s needed for successful sex.

For example, when a man discovers sexual experience late in life, he may lack knowledge about basic sexual techniques. And he may lack a fantasy life.

In that case, everything that provides sexual stimulation has to be applied externally. And if it isn’t there – he may not be aroused. Even when he has an erection.

Video about sexual techniques

Some therapists believe that delayed ejaculation and other sexual dysfunctions occur when the mental / emotional connection between stimulus and output is somehow malfunctioning.

Certainly, when sex ceases to be something pleasurable, exciting or exceptional, its power to excite and arouse may well be weakened.

In this situation men and women may become dependent on their own physical desire as the key agent of sexual activity, and although that’s strong in some individuals, it’s not in all of us. Perhaps not even in the majority.

The Cultural Impact

We are all influenced by the culture in which we live. Even our sexual expectations of ourselves are influenced in this way.

And so perhaps media stories of sexual offences, sexual abuse, or the identification of male or female sexuality as problematic can cause sexual dysfunctions.

Because, when these stories are reported and broadcast, this negative publicity may somehow diminish the power and vitality of a person’s sexual life. This may cause problems of low desire, which may manifest as delayed ejaculation in men.

Of course, sexuality and aggression are clearly linked. And we still live in a society that is deeply sexually repressed in many ways.

Maybe some of the sexual problems we see in men, and especially delayed ejaculation, result from the repression of sexual desire or an inadequate level of erotic stimulation because of sexual repression.

But What Does This All Mean In Reality? 

So, for example, one characteristic you see in men with delayed ejaculation is they don’t know how to ask for the right type of erotic stimulation, the kind that would arouse them sexually.

This means, particularly with the long-standing and hard erections that are typical of men with this sexual dysfunction, making love can become a mechanical process where a couple lose all sense of giving and receiving sensual touching. Mutual affection and sexual pleasure get lost in the race for performance or completion.

It becomes a desperate race for orgasm driven more by achievement of outcome than by love, affection, connection, or desire.