You’re a man, and you’re having a problem with delayed ejaculation, yes? Then here’s an important question.
Are you more interested in your own sexual satisfaction or your partner’s?
The point is that in couples for whom delayed ejaculation is an issue, very often the man seems to be trying extremely hard to satisfy his partner. But he doesn’t seem to think of himself.
The question that always comes up for me is “Where’s your own pleasure in all this?”
You see, sex isn’t just about another person’s pleasure. Truth is, you can enjoy sex with another person just because of the pleasure you get…..
In fact, when you’re completely focused on giving theother person an orgasm, it’s highly likely that your own enjoyment will be quite low. It’s necessary to be selfish sometimes!
But what’s the connection with delayed ejaculation in men?
Well, men who devote themselves entirely to their partner’s pleasure often feel resentful because they are getting so little satisfaction from intercourse.
Adding to this is the fact the woman often seems to expect her man to be there just to “serve her” (maybe “service her” might be nearer the mark!).
Often there’s not much sense of her being responsible for her own orgasm. She expects the man to “give it” to her.
I’m not saying that this always applies in cases of delayed ejaculation, but it certainly seemed to be something that comes up again and again.
So what would be the effect on most men of a sexual relationship like this?
The obvious answer is that there would be a feeling of frustration, resentment, perhaps even anger. And quite understandably so.
Making love is meant to be an experience which is an equal partnership, and when it isn’t, bad feelings of one kind or another can develop quickly enough.
However, if you’re a man who happens to believe that it’s your job to please a woman during lovemaking, then you probably won’t feel that resentment consciously.
Could it be possible, do you think, that any resentment could show itself in your delayed ejaculation?
To put it another way, do you think you experience difficulty with slow ejaculation during intercourse because you feel frustrated, resentful or angry towards your partner?
That might sound unlikely, but think of it this way: if you’re feeling angry or resentful towards somebody, you’re not going to be very turned on by the thought of having sexual intercourse with them.
And if you’re not turned on, which means you’re not very aroused, then you simply might not be able to reach orgasm in the normal way.
Hence, you don’t ejaculate at all. Or you take a long time to reach climax. Or you have a very slow ejaculation. Or it takes you a lot of effort to achieve ejaculation. (Read on below after watching the video.)
It’s a plausible idea, don’t you think? And a lot of sexual therapists have suggested it might explain delayed ejaculation, slowness to ejaculate or difficulty in reaching climax.
But there is a question that comes up almost immediately in the minds of men with delayed ejaculation: “But,” they almost always say, ” I must be turned on because I have an erection.”
And so they do. Often a hard and long-lasting one. So much so that sometimes their partner comes several times during intercourse. But the man still doesn’t ejaculate.
Is it possible for a man to have an erection, which lasts a long time and never falters, and yet not be aroused?
The answer to that is obviously “yes”, as most men will be able to confirm. For example, nighttime erections, and morning erections, are often accompanied by a very low level of arousal.
These are a little bit like the hard erection that occurs in men who have a slow or very delayed ejaculation and orgasm during sex. Here, your erection might be a reflex response to being in an sexual situation with a partner, more than a sign of real arousal.
For while the body is responding, the level of arousal that a man experiences in his mind (or “subjectively”, as the egg-heads might say) is too low to take him to the point of no return. That’s the point of ejaculatory inevitability, where the reflex responses of his ejaculation are triggered automatically and cannot be stopped.
Which brings us on to a question about the nature of arousal.
Is Sexual Arousal In The Mind Or The Body?
The short answer to that is that it’s in both, but the more reliable route to sexual expression is through physical arousal.
Young men can become aroused very quickly just through the use of fantasy – mental arousal – which essentially is what happens when a man uses porn.
When using porn, a man’s arousal comes from the fact that in some way he’s identifying with the man featured in the sexual activity on camera, putting himself in that man’s place, and imagining what it would be like to be have that experience himself.
However, as you may know, perhaps from personal experience, as a man ages, the bodily response to mental fantasy becomes less and less intense, until it is inadequate to sustain an erection.
At this point, physical stimulation is also needed, and often intimate emotional connection with the man’s sexual partner as well.
Only when all of these criteria are satisfied can a man become aroused.
Often a decline in testosterone is the cause.
So it’s not too big a stretch to imagine that in the case of delayed ejaculation something similar is at work.
What we’re suggesting here is that the mental component of arousal is missing; the physical component of stimulation by the partner is certainly missing; and so the man’s erection represents a reflex response rather than a sign of true arousal.
Coping With A Late Climax
– Or No Climax At All
It’s an interesting question, isn’t it? But it’s much more than just “interesting” to the men who experience it.
A slowed or late ejaculation can cause real problems during intercourse.
So it’s vital that we find an answer for this problem.
Interestingly enough, many of the answers for dealing with delays in ejaculating are about building up the things you’d normally expect in a successful relationship.
- open and honest communication, particularly around intimate and sexual matters
- mutual attraction and affection
- and an expectation of equality during lovemaking
- combined with the expectation that your female partner will be willing to make an effort to satisfy your needs.
There’s also the simple fact that you expect to get pleasure, satisfaction and sexual fulfilment from making love with your partner.
I need hardly add, I suppose, that a couple need to be motivated to make love in the first place.
A Video For Men Who Want To Come More Easily During Lovemaking
I don’t completely agree with this, but there is some truth in it…
Are you getting clear about this, I wonder?
To be blunt, one of the things that can cure theproblem of delayed ejaculation (also known as retarded ejaculation, by the way) is an improvement in the quality of the relationship that a couple have.
Certainly one fundamental aspect of relationshiprenewal that can solve many difficulties is open and honest communication.
Only by communicating openly and honestly with each other can a couple begin to understand how they feel towards each other, how they feel about sexual intercourse, and how they feel about their respective roles within the relationship.
Only in this way can the causes of delays in ejaculating be dealt with.
But suppose a man happens to think that sex is a burden, or something to be avoided, or something he doesn’t like (or even, god forbid, distasteful), and he’s only doing it because he believes he has a duty to satisfy his partner…. what then?
How is he going to communicate something as profound as that in a way that doesn’t damage or hurt his partner?
And what if he resents her? What if he resents making love to her? What if he resents the demands placed on him by her expectations?
How is he to communicate that?
Well, one way is to go for counseling and therapy, where you can have a space to talk to each other about such profound matters. I agree it’s not easy, but it may be necessary to embark on this journey if the man’s delay in reaching climax is to be overcome.
The problem is, of course, that delayed ejaculation can be a symptom of relationship difficulty. It indicates problems that may not be easily dealt with by a couple who are not communicating openly with each other.
You see, the fundamental thing that needs to happen here is a transition from sex being a pressurized activity, all “do or die”, success or failure, “if it doesn’t work I’m a bad lover, and I’ve let her down”, kind of thing, into a relaxed and enjoyable experience where the man can ejaculate in a timely way.
But equally a transition is necessary on on the part of the female partner: she has to stop relinquishing responsibility for her orgasm to her partner, accept that his slow sexual responses are a symptom of some much deeper problem, and start getting actively involved in sex. (And maybe a symptom of problems in the relationship.)
And one of the issues here is that the man’s dysfunction may be hiding a female sexual dysfunction.
For example, is it that the woman actually has difficulty reaching orgasm, and she’s blaming this on the man’s ejaculation difficulties?
Or perhaps she simply doesn’t like sex, and his ejaculatory problems are a convenient way of disguising that fact? I’m not suggesting this is always the case, but these are factors that play a significant role in delayed ejaculation.